Rough Week

It has been a rough week. A week ago one of our cats was not acting his usual self and we had an emergency visit to the  vet. They can't figure out what was wrong with him and he does seem to be better. But still scary.

I contacted an old friend I hadn't talked to in a long while and found out she had surgery to remove cancer cells. So I have been worried about her. 

I have had the stomach flu. I am not sure I have ever been this sick before as an adult. Nothing is staying down. I went to the doctor and they ran some tests and everything is pointing to a virus. He explained to me that the stomach flu will last 24 hours, 3 days, 7 days or 10 days. I am coming up on 7 days. 

Then today I found out a friend from Ohio died. I am sitting here typing this and still in shock. My friend was suffering and fighting a very hard battle with cancer. But she died from an unrelated issue. I can't believe this vibrant, beautiful soul isn't here with us. I sent her a card just a few weeks ago...it had a red party dress on the front and inside I wrote that she would be dolled up, high heels on and dancing again soon. I hope she is now. 

Just feeling incredibly sad and grateful at the same time for knowing her and being able to share so many good memories with her in them. 

52 Week Photo Project: Week 13

Feeling Good

Everyone kept telling me I had a good surgeon and I am saying thank goodness for him. Not even home 48 hours and hardly any pain today. Really amazed and grateful.

Drinking OJ

I have a cold and I am hoping it goes away quickly as if it doesn't - I won't be able to have surgery this week. I just want this over so thinking healing thoughts.

Tears

“Tears are words that need to be written.” ~ Paulo Coelho

I have been in pain. I have a new health problem.  Different then my usual back/leg problems. Because of the pain, I haven't been able to do anything. I have been on almost complete bed rest.  Everything is too much. So basically  I am crying and trying to just surrender and let go of what I would like to what is.  What this is...is a time where I need to have help.  Over the last several years - my pain has increased. I thought I had gotten to a place of acceptance of and learning new ways of doing things and letting go of expectations.  But now I have been needing to do it again in a deeper way.  I am thankful for the help from Michael and Wendy - I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life who know what to do to help me through tough situations. Right now is extremely difficult and I hope to handle it with more grace than I have as I wait for what will come - most likely surgery. Right now I cry because my words aren't coming to me as the pain clouds everything.

Photo from a tarot reading I did on my health.

Sick & 52 Week Photo Project: Week 35

I have been sick which is why I haven't been posting with August Break.  I did find that August Break actually made me less inspired. I used to post everyday on Instagram and with August Break, I felt like I had to stick to the prompts instead of whatever photo I wanted to take that day.  So I actually didn't get a daily photo throughout August. 

Waiting

 

I took this photo well waiting for my doctor.  It was just really a follow up to see how the medicine he gave me last time was working.   I am not going to get better only worse.  It gets frustrating to think about that the rest of my life will have pain.  When I got migraines under somewhat control, I thought now...now I can live. But now I am coming to terms with living even if I am in pain. I don't want the pain to always stop me. I know if I push one day means the next I am in bed. But sometimes that might be worth it.  It is just about weighing the options and knowing what is going to be best for me in the long run. But no more waiting for living my life.  Just need to accept this is life and do my best with each day.

52 Week Photo Project - Week 2

Rhonda's Rocks

I have a therapist. I don't think everyone needs therapy, but I know for me I am thankful for the therapists I have had in my life. I have struggled with depression all my life - my brain chemistry is just wired differently.  It is not like I had a broken childhood or lots of trauma in my life, but I do have things that have tripped me up and it has been hard for me to move past those issues.  Add in that I just feel as a person....I am constantly working on me. I am continually growing and changing and it is nice to have someone there who isn't a friend or lover to help be a sounding board and give guidance without some of the things that come with having an intimate bond.

Last January my therapist at that time left for a new job and it wasn't like her current job so not like I could just follow her so she recommended one of her colleagues for me.  We had kind of a bumpy start only because I was scared of some of the things brought up.  But when I reached out again she was there for me and has been a champion for me.  I am extremely thankful to have her help.

I feel in 2012 - really just in the last 6 months. I have been growing more comfortable with myself then I have ever been. I know it is mainly due to her help and understanding.

The above photo is from my therapist's office. She has a bowl of rocks in her office. Some of the rocks have been given to her, some she has collected and she has it out so people can look at them or can take a rock if they want.  When I stepped into her office, I immediately was taken with the bowl of rocks.  I ran my fingers through them and picked them up looking at them - so many lovely shapes, textures and colors.  I think one reason I was drawn to them because here at home I have a bowl of rocks too. Mostly rocks given to me by friends, but some collected over the years. I have found lately when we travel, I have been finding rocks that I feel should come home with me and be added to my bowl. I am glad I see them and see so many other things I have ignored for far too long....simple everyday joy is coming back to me and I have to thank my therapist for helping me find my way back to it. Thank you Rhonda!

Living in Pain

"If we spent one third of the energy that we spend on chasing happiness…on getting better at being in pain…our experience of being alive would dramatically expand." Chela Davison from a blog post on Pain: A Love Story

My Health Insurance History

One thing I hear people complaining about is Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) for the elections. But so many of the things I see people saying aren't accurate. I wish people would actually read the facts of it. It can be confusing, but it is just sad that so many things that people say it will do - it won't.  Such as having the government tell you what drugs you can and can't have - it won't do that. It is up to your doctor what drugs you can and can't have - as it always has been well...except when insurance companies say no. I have had that happen in the past. See that is what I don't get many things that people are saying are going to happen - insurance companies already do, continue to do, and have been for all of my life.

Something I keep reading is how people are upset that their health insurance is going up or things that were covered aren't anymore...so I thought I would share my personal history with health insurance because for as long as I can remember it has been that way...and it is the insurance companies doing it not the government. Not President Obama since for the majority of my health insurance coverage was before he was President.

As a child I was of course covered by my parents insurance, I do remember when we moved to Omaha my Mom asked around about doctors and found us a doctor several people recommended.  We really liked this doctor, but one year Dad's health insurance changed and the insurance company would only let us see someone on "their list." I remember both my parents being upset about this, but we did it. We found a doctor we liked that wasn't too far from our home.  I know the price went up - on and off throughout the years too.

When I was married to my ex-husband, he had a good job with good insurance. But again you had to choose a doctor off the list. I wanted to see a woman doctor and they had 2 women on the list - that is all.  I ended up on a waiting list for one of the female doctors.  I remember having the insurance say they wouldn't pay for certain meds or procedures. I remember one year the monthly price doubled for him and it tripled in price to cover me. Another year all our co-pays changed - where regular gp doctor visits were a different co-pay then seeing a specialty and doing our labs.

Michael's insurance when he worked for an state organization was really actually horrible. His co-pays for regular gp doctor visits were him paying 80% out of pocket.  And the insurance only covering 20%.  Even though he paid a lot of money each month into it.  During his time with that organization, the insurance went up several times. His co-pays totally switched around and again he had meds denied by the insurance company even though it was what the doctor wanted.

Since I divorced, I haven't had health insurance really. Well, I had it once for a while, but it was so expensive and it didn't cover my asthma or migraines. Right now Michael and I don't have health insurance for the same reason.  We are denied a lot because of our pre-existing conditions or  they will give us health insurance, but won't cover the pre-existing conditions ever or for a set period of time without incident of the condition. So I have asthma if I go without an asthma attack in 2 years or 3 or whatever set amount of time then they will start covering it. So really I won't get it covered because although I have went a long time without an asthma problem - the older I get the more likely I am to have problems again. Migraines I don't go without - I have them anywhere from 5 to 15 days a month. So not like that will be something they will cover ever. Well now they have to though with Obamacare. So I am thankful I might have some insurance and coverage so that medical costs won't drained our bank account.

Health insurance businesses are in it to get money and they can't get money if they are paying for all of our medical costs so of course throughout history they have raised our premiums, co-pays, denied coverage for procedures,  doctors, meds and so on.  Not sure why...it is okay to blame President Obama for them when they have been doing that as long as I have been alive.

Life in Points

* We have been traveling quite a bit - just day trips or a few days here and there. But soon we will be taking a longer trip. We will be going to see my sister and her family. After a few days with her, we will go do a work project and then after the work is done, we will spend the weekend with Tammy as we will be in her neck of the woods. We see her again in November. She will be spending Thanksgiving with us.

* I have my follow up for my doctor coming up this week - for the sciatica. He did a treatment of cortisone that lasted 10 hours. Then he prescribed a pill that was for 5 days, but my doctor and my pharmacist were really at odds with each other on the drug. After taking this drug and seeing how I reacted, he will know better how to treat me. The drug worked great except for upsetting my stomach just a little bit which was the pharmacist concern. But the positive of the drug it brought my pain down to zero on a pain scale and the most it would go up to is a 3. It still even almost a week after it has been done hasn't brought my pain back up to where it was before (a 7 was pretty much my daily consistent pain level).

* Yesterday we did yard work. Both of us are not fans of it.  I have bad allergies that really just cause me to be miserable because I would love to have some of a garden, but just can't keep up with it. And it isn't fair for it to fall to Michael when he dislikes yard work.  This was icky yard work we had to do yesterday - pulling weeds. We have rock landscaping, but weeds come up in them and with my sciatica being as bad as it has been there has been no way I could do it before now.  It was hard to do it yesterday. Michael  ended up doing the backbreaking stuff. We had put it off until we couldn't any longer.

* The first of February is our anniversary, but the 1st of every month for the last 9 years Michael says Happy Anniversary.  We laughed that our morning was spent doing yard work - fun fun! But really I am thankful that we can have of course lots of fun together, but also make things we don't like doing go a little faster and better by doing them together.  We can laugh and have fun even when pulling weeds.

* We were out of town recently and when we arrived back in town we decided to get some errands out of the way before heading home. One thing was to go to the library as I figured I had some book waiting for me. I came with a HUGE pile.  Michael shouted from the car on my way out of the library carrying the huge pile of books that I didn't need to check whole library out. The lady in front of me got a chuckle. But the sad thing is that huge pile of books I only have like 3 left to read as I am going through a book a day still.  I got through the Anita Blake series. All caught up again...I had been 3 books behind, but reread the entire series.

4 Tips for Being Mindful

Another Tiny Buddha that helped me recently...they always seems to post things I need to hear right in the moment.

4 Tips for Mindfulness when Life is stressful and painful....

1. Realize thoughts are not necessarily reality.
2. Use breathing to center you in the now.
3. Stop comparing now to then.
4. Focus on the happy moments.

Good points and lots of insight in the full post: LIVING IN THE NOW WHEN IT’S STRESSFUL

Sinking

This month has been hard on me. Really hard.  I will be glad when August gets here.

The end of May my sciatica came back and it is just getting worse and worse.  To the point that this month - I can't stand or sit very long. Laying down seems to give me the most relief at this time, but still is very painful and have to readjust positions often.

Because I am in such pain, I am falling behind on things around the house and other things such as working on my website and doing art. But I have been reading like a mad-woman.  I am going through a book in a day or two.  My library requests aren't keeping up with me so in between waiting for them - I am rereading the Anita Blake series by Laurell K. Hamilton.  I have most of them so keep pulling them off the shelf in between my library books.  I am almost to the point in the series where I stop liking the series.

I am also reading the Highlander series by Karen Marie Moning and going to reread her Fever series after the Highlander series. If you haven't read anything by Karen Marie Moning and like bodice ripper type books - read her.

Books are the only thing keeping me from drowning right now.  When I am in this kind of pain cycle, it starts to bring me down. My depression starts weighing on me and I feel myself sinking into it.  I get why. I understand it logically but trying to fight it has nothing to do with logic.  It has nothing to do with even seeing it happening - even though recognizing it is good so I can see I need to fight it. It is just hard and tiring.  Books though have become the only thing that keeps my mind from sinking into it.

So that is where things are at the moment. I just thought I would try to get a life update posted so that people didn't think I fell off the earth.

Fast

I feel like life is moving a little too fast right now.  Since coming back from Christmas vacation - it just seems like it has been one thing after another.  We came home with colds from Christmas vacation and then got hit with colds/flu in March again. Really the March flu was the worst I have felt in probably over 10 years.  I don't know if it just me getting older so bones ache more and body breaking down so I feel the flu more-so then I did when I was young and could run around even when sick.  But this flu did me in. Really 2 weeks of really being down with it and then a 3rd week with just the cough left.  After that I started spring cleaning, which I normally do but this time I needed to get it done quickly as we are having a very good friend visit.  So from the end of the flu to when she visits isn't a lot of time.  But I will manage and get things done so that we can have a great time when she arrives. We can't wait to show off our beautiful state to her.

So as I stated life feels like it is moving fast and I really need it to slow down a bit - and I am hoping that while she is here I can relax a little and have some fun.  I am really looking forward to her visit.

Hearing

Last year I took a step forward and got fitted for a hearing aid. While it wasn't an expense we really needed -- the absence of what I was missing was profound. I had long since been resistant to hearing aids because I come from the belief that if we're always told to turn our headphones down because it can make us go deaf ... then adding a micro-headphone deep in my ear canal would've been equally problematic.

So I resisted.

Until last year when it became apparent that I still had good function in my remaining ear ... but I just needed some help. My ear canal apparently didn't form like other normal ear canals do. That's why I'm very susceptible to changes in allergy or head colds -- as my ear canal would compress and eventually muffle out sounds.

The first time I could "hear" ... I was amazed at how much I was missing. Caesar's meow. The turn signal blinker. Fans in my office. Whispers and other things said under one's breath. All of a sudden - my confidence grew. I could hear. I could participate. I could interject. I could remain on topic and not have to shake my head because I couldn't ascertain what was being said. I no longer had to guess. I no longer needed you to face me so that I could hear what you were saying.

The world opened up.

And I'm forever grateful for Darby - who didn't push ... but she gave some nudges every so often. I knew it affected her ... but I never knew how difficult it was living with someone who was hearing impaired. The stress of not being able to effectively communicate whenever, however, wherever. I'm sorry it took me so long hon.

Why am I blogging about this today? There's a malfunction somewhere in the unit that had rendered it relatively useless to me. I didn't realize how much I was affected by it until I've gone without ... and now that I've gone without it ... I want it back.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Yes Darby, two posts in a week. Believe it or not!) :)

Reverb 2011

Last year Reverb really affected me in positive ways. I just didn't let that positive force that I started out with - continue. I let some things trip me up and then I stayed back and stagnant - again.   This year Gwen Bell isn't doing Reverb but a couple of her Reverb 2010 co-founders are and I am using prompts Kaileen posted. I might change a few out and add in some of my own though. 


Prompt: Where did 2011 begin?

2011 started with me getting my migraines down so that they didn't impede on my quality of life so much. I get them still, but before it was about 22 days out of a month that I got migraines.  Now I get them when a couple times a month and maybe up to 7 a month. But down from 22 to 7 is AMAZING!   My doctor that helped me with this has left the clinic I go to but he was my ROCK STAR for 2011.  

Prompt: Who did you meet?

I met people I have known online for years.  

We met Colleen and Scott after knowing her just a little bit online. They lived on the other side of Colorado, but were visiting family who live in GJ.  They were also in the process at that time of trying to decide where they wanted to move.  We are thankful that they decided to move to our side of the state and are about an hour away now.  We were lucky enough to spend some quality time with them soon.  They have become really good friends and we wish we could spend more time with them. 
I also met someone else I have known online for quite a long time. Kathie at Two Frog Home.  Kathie and her significant other Jeff invited us for dinner when we were in Montana.  It was an amazing night and I wish so much that we lived closer together.  Kathie is one of those people I have always had on a mental list of people I would love to meet - and I am so very grateful that happened in 2011.  
I thought and continue to hope we might get to Montana for Michael's work one more time  in early 2012. I keep my fingers crossed as I would love to spend some more time with Kathie. 

Prompt: What books did you read?
Not as many as I would have liked to read.  But I did read the Karen Moning Fever series mostly because my cousin talks about them quite a lot and then she sent me the first book.  So I got hooked on them.   

I also read the Harry Potter books - first time I had picked one up. I started and kept on going to the end. I am hooked on the movies too and watch them several times a month. 
I read a couple books by Brene Brown and they deeply impacted me.  I really saw through so much guilt and shame I had/have still working inside me.   


I read probably close to 100 books this year. I just haven't logged them all into Goodreads.com yet. 

Prompt: When did you struggle?
I didn't struggle this year a lot - but really I feel like I just gave up on some things.  It was hard due to health reasons so I did struggle there because I couldn't do anything. I felt like I was in a prison - if I took the trash to the curb - I coughed and needed several hours if not all night to recover. Just little tasks sent me over - because I couldn't breath.  That happened in the end of July I was hit with really bad asthma attack and after that I just couldn't breath right.  That went on for 3 months and then I started to heal some but then it came back.  Oddly enough after this ER visit I had recently - my breathing problems went away after taking the powerful antibiotics. I am grateful it did. I mean still have some wheezing and little asthma problems but not like the 3 months were I couldn't sleep because laying down made me choke and cough.  Luckily I am feeling better and just still struggling with some health issues but not to the extent I was before. 

Visit to the ER

I went to the ER on Wednesday. My left calf swelled up to about 2 1/2 the size it is normally. It was really sensitive to the touch and just hurt from the pressure of it being swollen. I then also had some chest pain and coughing. Coughing so much that it felt like I had bronchitis. I went to my doctor and he sent me to the ER to check for a blood clot. I had an EKG which was fine. And an ultra sound on my leg and no blood clots were found. 

It actually looks like I have an infection in my leg - they treating me with powerful antibiotics and after not even 2 full days of being on them - my leg swelling has went down and hardly hurts, don't feel the pressure and it isn't as sensitive. It looks like I might have had a small cut that became infected and that sent my body into chaos. 

I fell 2 years ago and I have an area on my calf that normally looks like a very dry patch of skin and I wore a pair of lounge pants last week that are soft on the outside but on the inside not so much. I think they rubbed across the dry patch causing an abrasion that became infected. Even though looking at it there was no visible open scratch. It just became very red...looked angry in the area but when it is very dry - it sometimes does so I didn't think anything of it. 

The ER doctor wants me to follow up with my doctor on Monday. My doctor is out of town so seeing another doctor. But I think everyone will give me the clear that it is better. Because the ER doctor stressed about 10 times if isn't - I would be checking into the hospital for a stay to be treated with even more powerful antibiotic. Already stressing about the ER bill - so don't want to have to be staying in the hospital. 

Michael  of course said that I am worth the expene as he wants me around a long time. He was great - as he knows doctors freak me out and he did really well keeping me calm. 

In the end - I am feeling better and it looks like what they are treating me with is working. I feel better and my leg looks much better. So I think things will be okay. Just very scary. 

I was telling a friend - I think my warranty ran out at 43. I am 44 now but this last year has been a horrible horrible health year for me.

Day to Day

I am doing pretty good. I can tell that the asthma problems are coming back at least somewhat and that is distressing me but I just keep hoping it won't come back as bad.  My doctor has 2 new inhalers that will be coming by mail and hopefully they will help.  

Otherwise things are pretty normal around here.  Michael is working and working and working.  And I am doing what I can to help him out but not much I can help with at this time.  So just trying to keep up with my things as I am really behind. 

I am trying to start thinking about Christmas and presents I need to make.  I can't wait to see my family for Christmas. 

So that is about all that is going on here. 

Channeling Surfing

 * Tomorrow we are going to have lunch at some friends who live in a nearby town. They just moved to the area in August.  It is great to have them near as they are such good people.  So nice to talk and laugh with them. 


* My asthma problems have cleared up. My doctor ended up treating me for bronchitis - using an antibiotic and a steroid. Within 2 doses I was able to lay completely down flat - first time in over 3 months. I used my inhaler once in the 10 days of being on the meds. The day after ending my meds - I have had a few problems. Nothing like before but I did have to use my inhaler and ended up taking sinus meds at night. I am hopeful that whatever is going on is better. I have no doubt from now on for a while I will be easily susceptible to having problems. My doctor wants me to call if it comes back to like it was before the meds. 

* We started using a Roku for the TV.  We are really enjoying it. It is basically streaming content to the TV. All the content except Netflix that I am watching is free. But there are some channels that do cost but so far I am not seeing a need for them. 


That is about all for right now....going to go to bed.

Hopeful

Well I am hopeful....it was a good visit with my new doctor. He came in with notes he hand wrote out.  And then he really was thoughtful of what to do - really thinking for a solution. He is much different then my previous doctor but he was nice. Going on some new meds and will be seeing him in a week as he feels a couple of the meds should be kicking in by then and making me feel better.  

So I am just feeling hopeful that things will get better.