52 Week Photo Project - Week 2

Rhonda's Rocks

I have a therapist. I don't think everyone needs therapy, but I know for me I am thankful for the therapists I have had in my life. I have struggled with depression all my life - my brain chemistry is just wired differently.  It is not like I had a broken childhood or lots of trauma in my life, but I do have things that have tripped me up and it has been hard for me to move past those issues.  Add in that I just feel as a person....I am constantly working on me. I am continually growing and changing and it is nice to have someone there who isn't a friend or lover to help be a sounding board and give guidance without some of the things that come with having an intimate bond.

Last January my therapist at that time left for a new job and it wasn't like her current job so not like I could just follow her so she recommended one of her colleagues for me.  We had kind of a bumpy start only because I was scared of some of the things brought up.  But when I reached out again she was there for me and has been a champion for me.  I am extremely thankful to have her help.

I feel in 2012 - really just in the last 6 months. I have been growing more comfortable with myself then I have ever been. I know it is mainly due to her help and understanding.

The above photo is from my therapist's office. She has a bowl of rocks in her office. Some of the rocks have been given to her, some she has collected and she has it out so people can look at them or can take a rock if they want.  When I stepped into her office, I immediately was taken with the bowl of rocks.  I ran my fingers through them and picked them up looking at them - so many lovely shapes, textures and colors.  I think one reason I was drawn to them because here at home I have a bowl of rocks too. Mostly rocks given to me by friends, but some collected over the years. I have found lately when we travel, I have been finding rocks that I feel should come home with me and be added to my bowl. I am glad I see them and see so many other things I have ignored for far too long....simple everyday joy is coming back to me and I have to thank my therapist for helping me find my way back to it. Thank you Rhonda!

Enough

Source: wipkits.blogspot.com via Darby on Pinterest

Some days it is really hard to remember this....believe it.

Sinking

This month has been hard on me. Really hard.  I will be glad when August gets here.

The end of May my sciatica came back and it is just getting worse and worse.  To the point that this month - I can't stand or sit very long. Laying down seems to give me the most relief at this time, but still is very painful and have to readjust positions often.

Because I am in such pain, I am falling behind on things around the house and other things such as working on my website and doing art. But I have been reading like a mad-woman.  I am going through a book in a day or two.  My library requests aren't keeping up with me so in between waiting for them - I am rereading the Anita Blake series by Laurell K. Hamilton.  I have most of them so keep pulling them off the shelf in between my library books.  I am almost to the point in the series where I stop liking the series.

I am also reading the Highlander series by Karen Marie Moning and going to reread her Fever series after the Highlander series. If you haven't read anything by Karen Marie Moning and like bodice ripper type books - read her.

Books are the only thing keeping me from drowning right now.  When I am in this kind of pain cycle, it starts to bring me down. My depression starts weighing on me and I feel myself sinking into it.  I get why. I understand it logically but trying to fight it has nothing to do with logic.  It has nothing to do with even seeing it happening - even though recognizing it is good so I can see I need to fight it. It is just hard and tiring.  Books though have become the only thing that keeps my mind from sinking into it.

So that is where things are at the moment. I just thought I would try to get a life update posted so that people didn't think I fell off the earth.

Strong

Source: tumblr.com via Darby on Pinterest

As someone that lives with pain everyday, it gets hard to hang on and be strong all the time. So yes I know that feeling.  I know what is like to just keep having to hang on even though I putting so much into something. It is hard to hang on when feeling so tired and hurting so much.  I know that some days it is hard to think rinse and repeat this again tomorrow and the day after but not get any further - so tears come.

I thought it was just me

I am soaking up everything Brene Brown writes and says. Yesterday she was on VoiceAmerica Talk Radio Network - Real Recognition Radio and I have played it several times - link to her interview.

I really want to be reading The Gift of Imperfection but the library doesn't have it. But they had her other book I Thought It Just Was Me - that is about shame. And although I know have shame - I felt that the other book would be better for me at this time. But I was wrong. I am sure the other book will be great for me as well but this book I think is very helpful for me right now too. I am only a chapter in have several flags in it. Many of her definitions have been like light bulbs for me. The illuminate many places in and how those experiences have effected me today. Even in my art which is why I wanted to read The Gift of Imperfection because I suffer with it having to be perfect.

I am sure I will have a lot of flags sticking out of this book by the time I am done with it.

Migraines

I am going to be seeing my doctor soon for my check in to discuss how things have been going with the migraine med. And I can't begin to express what a life changer it has been for me. When you get migraines 3 to 4 times a week, quality of life is non-existent. And with this med, I have only had 1 migraine so far in 3 weeks. And that is when we were in Denver so maybe it was just high altitude thing? I want to blame it on that instead of the med of course. But no matter what this med is working. It is giving me so much light and life. I am able to accomplish more with my day. I am able to see things differently. I am feeling better over all mentally and emotionally too and I know that having migraines so often really hurt me in ways I wasn't even aware of because I was too busy just dealing with the blinding pain. It bothers me being on meds for the sciatica and migraines and depression. But they help. And I don't want to live the other way anymore. Waking up each day without a migraine has been amazing and my doctor is my ROCKSTAR!

Wisdom

Prompt: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

To go to Minnesota when I did so that I could tell my Uncle I love him and give and receive a hug from him before he died.

Another wise decision for me this year was to go into therapy. With the grief and all the other problems of this year - I really needed that support. It was a hard decision and hard to just do in general but it was a wise decision. It has helped me so much.

Bah Humbug

I know I haven't done a gratitude list in a few weeks. Michael's parents were here the 4th and then 11th we were in Denver. I have been going non-stop for weeks and weeks and don't see it stopping until after the holiday.

I am really actually quite down this year. I didn't get a holiday - not a normal one. Things got kind of messed up since when we were in Denver in November. I just haven't had much rest and time to do my usual holiday prep. By now I normally have had presents done, mailed or close to mailing, cards mailed out, house decorated, tree up and decorated, cookies baked, candies made and so on...the only thing done completely on that list is house is decorated. Everything else has things to do still. Some of the holiday cards are out but we didn't have enough stamps so the rest are sitting here waiting for stamps. I haven't made any of my presents but got all the supplies today while we were out. I have not baked anything. Our tree isn't up and I don't see that happening until the weekend. I usually have watched Miracle on 34th Street about 10 times by now but hasn't even been popped in the DVD player yet.

So it isn't our normal Christmas and I am down about it the holiday. I don't feel like we have been home much lately. At least just home to enjoy the holidays and get that Christmas spirit. Usually I am always the one with the holiday spirit...not this year. Someone please find a little extra and pass it my way please?

I need to get back to work on my endless list...and hopefully I will see some positives before Friday's gratitude posting.

30 Things

This is a list of questions/fill in the blank that was put out by Invisible Illness Week.

1. The illness I live with is: migraines and depression
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I wasn't diagnosed with migraines until 21 and depression until I was 25.
3. But I had symptoms since: depression since I was a little little girl and migraines since I was 12
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: That some days I can't do it all
5. Most people assume: That I really don't look sick but that I say I am sick quite a lot.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: usually my migraines are the worse early morning or late night. So early mornings can be hard when I have a migraine.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: none - I don't watch any because I have sympathy pains.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: microwave - when I have a migraine - I need to be able to cook fast and easy and my indoor grill and the microwave are my best friends for cooking.
9. The hardest part about nights are: When I have a migraine, the pain is so bad I can't sleep. Also I get insomnia with my depression so I have that often so lack of sleep is a hard part of the night.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. When I have a migraine several Excedrin migraine and one multi-vitamins. Plus then I have 2 other pills I take everyday one for my depression and the other for high blood pressure.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: tried many
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: neither but I would like one that is taken seriously or had a clear treatment - if I had to have one.
13. Regarding working and career: I often can't hold a regular 40 hour a week job because I have migraines so often.
14. People would be surprised to know: that - the above answer about not being able to not often doing 40 hours a week.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my reality has been: just gauging how much I can do each day
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: find a treatment that works for depression now I just need to find something that works for my migraines.
17. The commercials about my illness: are what they are. I mean they really don't do a lot for me - except at times give me names of a new med to try for my migraines.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: nothing really because I had symptoms long before diagnosed so had to often live gauging things step by step of my day and wondering if I could do the next thing. And I do that now.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: I haven't had to really give up anything - I am not often triggered by foods only if I already have one started then sometimes some foods will make it worse but it isn't a hardship to give it up for those moments. And then some days I can't do everything I want to do so if I wanted to go for a walk or a day trip - I have to say no at times because light will hurt and the movement from walking will increase my heart rate which will spike my migraine more. So again it is all about gauging what I can and can't do for the day or the moment.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: nothing new
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I try to just pack more into my day then often gets accomplished now.
22. My illness has taught me: to be more understanding towards those with my illness so that when they have to cancel I understand.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: When they have to tell me to see a doctor or try a med because really do they think I haven't? It doesn't make sense to me. I have lived with migraines since I was 12 so you don't think I have tried many many drugs and seen many doctors over the years. Of course I have so why do you need to tell me to do something I have obviously done. Or that people think both depression and migraines are just in my head.
24. But I love it when people: just accept that I am who I am and I can't at times do everything
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I cannot change yesterday. I can only make the most of today, and look with hope toward tomorrow.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: to not beat up on themselves for not being able to do it all and to not get frustrated when one med doesn't work. Keep trying.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The not being able to function normally everyday.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: make me dinner, give me an ice pack and tuck me in. Thank goodness for Michael.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I think often these things aren't talked about. We pretend that migraines aren't really an illness. "It is just a headache." And that depression is just being down or being blue instead of a chemical imbalance that makes the blues seems like a walk on a nice spring day. It needs to be talked about and shown that these are illnesses that cause real problems everyday for many people.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: makes me sad that anyone has to have an illness - invisible or visible.

Invisible Illness

Blogging...."To increase awareness of invisible illness; that nearly 1 in 2 people in the US have a chronic illness and about 96% of it is invisible."

I have written about my migraines several times. It isn't always invisible - Michael can look at me and see when I am in pain. But most people looking at me wouldn't know. I usually don't go a week without a migraine. And at times they are cycles where they last from 3 to 10 days. Every thing and every day with a migraine is measured. I wake up and gauge the level of pain and how much I will be able to accomplish.

I also have been diagnosed with clinical depression. And that is even more invisible because people look down on it.

"It is in your head."

"Just suck it up."

"I get down/headaches and get past so you can too."

I hear those things all the time. I have even heard them from doctors. For a very long time when I heard these things and it upset me and usually made my illnesses worse. But the older I get the more I realized I deserve to have a good life. My hope and my pursuit is to live my life the best I can dispite my illnesses. And having someone in my life like Michael gives me hope that everything will be okay as he sees and is very understanding and supportive of me. He gives me hope that I will find something that works for me to give me a better quality of life.

Where did Michael Go?

Very good question.

My last entry was back in March and ... well ... I haven't been very good at blogging, have I.....

Well - I don't think I have a lot of excuses to offer. I don't email people as often as I once did. Things have been busy and well, things haven't exactly gone very well. In fact, Darby noticed a change in me since January and the only thing I can say is that there's been a cloud, a heavy cloud for quite some time.

Physically - I can actually feel it hanging above my eyes ... it's a pressure that feels like a heavy blanket weighing down on my head, my mind, my eyes....

It has been a depression that just hasn't really let go. It's been building and building -- without much of a reprieve or opportunity to adjust the slope and climb out of the ruts I've found myself in. The latest rut has been very difficult that has been settling in this summer.

I've been pretty good at managing depressions for a long time - but there are times when it just starts to rise faster than I'm doggy paddling. That's how it has felt all year - and admitting that much has helped me realize that it's okay to go through it. The influx of work has helped - as it has been one of the major stressors with the downturn of the economy. Having stable jobs has been difficult to maintain - as everyone is hurting.

So that's where I've been.

I'm feeling better than I have been - but I'm still feeling the cloud hanging around. I fully recognize that depressions generally don't evaporate like a fog - as it takes a lot of work to eventually have them dissipate. I'm coming out of my shell a bit more and that's a good thing. Shells are good for self-repair, but hardly ideal for any significant living quarters.

This and That Catch Up

So I haven't been blogging, emailing or just being online much because I think I am ready for spring. The winter seasonal thing has been getting to me. I don't like spring allergies but I am looking forward to sunshine. I need it. I can tell it is the lack of sunshine that is affecting me because just the few days we have had (in between the rain and snow) makes me feel better. I also have had a wicked migraine cycle that I am ready to go away anytime. I am on day 5 of it.

I started going through some boxes in my studio closet this past week. Photos, cards/letters from high school and I also dug out my high school year books. I have been reading all the messages people wrote me in them. They are umm well amusing. One friend from high school wrote in every card/letter "don't flirt with the boys so much" - truthfully I don't remember flirting that much. I remember being terribly shy and awkward but I am friends with her on facebook and she insists I was a flirt.

I found a photo of the prom I went to my junior year with a senior boy. And horribly I couldn't remember two of the people in the photo. I know if I post it to Facebook I will get an answer quickly on who the couple is and then I will go "oh yeah." I think the boy went to our church. But the forgetfulness I have is not just ending there because there are quite a few messages in my yearbook that are about parties or events that I feel I should remember but I don't and also there are cards/letters from people that I don't remember at all. But reading them it is obvious we were pretty close. I had quite a few letters from a girl I worked at Brooks Fashions with but I can't picture her at all. She sent them to me my freshman year in college.

Anyway overall going through all the photos, cards/letters and is very amusing. You know the big drama that is high school.


Okay I admit it - I have a guilty pleasure right now - Twilight. I know many can't understand the draw to it. I think my thing for vampires just makes me like it. I have watched it about a million times. Michael thinks he might have to do an intervention.


BettyCrocker.com is now starting a club called The Mixer. It is going to have webcast classes, tips and techniques and ask an expert. And best yet it is FREE! Friends always ask me how I learned to cook. Although my Mom is a GREAT cook and I know I got things from her but I also learned from my Betty Crocker cookbook. It was easy to understand, gave glossary of terms so I could understand things in the recipe I might not have before and just has classic recipes that are great to start with when learning to cook. So I am anxious to see what they will do with The Mixer.

I would love to replace all our water bottles with these or these because I know they are BPA free. I love the colors of the Klean Kanteen.


I have been obsessed with MarthaStewart.com lately. Crafts, recipes, organizational tips, cleaning tips and so on. Anyway one thing I found was link to a sister site: Whole Living and it has great recipes and tips too. But thought I would at least share this link to some tips to do one thing each day to make it Earth Day everyday and help save the planet.

Migraine Cycle

Michael mentioned that he thought I had a bad migraine cycle like the one I have had this week -- last year about the same time. So I went back into my journals and he was right every year for the last 3 years I have had a week long migraine cycle. Although it doesn't make things better, it was nice to know this happens every year.

It is hard because the cycles always pull me down. And so I have to work hard to not let it totally do me in.

Living with pain....is a phrase I wish I didn't know.

Holiday Blues

I really get annoyed with myself though because although we had a VERY nice Thanksgiving I still got sad and down yesterday. I was missing time with family. I even thought of one particular Thanksgivings. As I said in my last post cooking Thanksgiving meal isn't my favorite for a crowd. I am always worried the turkey won't come out good. Why I worry about that...I am not sure as I have always had my turkey's turn out really good.

I remember the first Thanksgiving I hosted was when my parents, sisters and one of my Grandma's came...when I was married. I think actually it was our first Thanksgiving after moving into our house. I had at that point in my life never made a turkey so thankfully my Mom was right there to help walk me through it! Such as I was forgetting to pull the sack of giblets so she caught that! And she made the mashed potatoes because it took me years to master those...I always have had lumps. I finally can make mashed potatoes without lumps (well most of the time). But everything else I made turned out really good. I just remember being so intimidated because my Mom and my Grandma are amazing cooks. So here I am doing turkey dinner for the first time and they are my guests. Oh my the panic! I remember freaking out on before they got there in the morning - they had stayed in a hotel as our house had lots stairs and my Grandma couldn't take those. So it was just my sisters that stayed with us. I was told all would work out and of course it did.

I know I hosted Thanksgiving a few more times...once when my sisters couldn't get to Minnesota they came to our house at least Michelle did. I recalled some past Thanksgiving memories during my sadness although all the memories I recalled were good memories. It just made me a little nostalgic thus making me feel a little sad. But as I said it annoys me because I have so much to be thankful for plus I had such a nice day with Michael that I shouldn't have been sad at all. I just feel this year is going to be year of recalling old memories for me because of my mindset about being 40.

Well that is enough reminiscing for today. I need to work.

Bringing on the Busy...

I have felt kind of down this weekend. But today I finished up something for a friend and that actually helped me feel better knowing we will make her smile. I don't feel I accomplished much else though this weekend. I have 2 websites that I need to work on...changes to one and finishing up the other now that the client decided what template she wants. I also need to finish up an article. And then prep for Thanksgiving this week.

Michael's parents are coming for his birthday (Dec 6th) so I need to finish the autumn cleaning I started a few weeks ago (when I was steam cleaning). I would like to wash and press all the curtains and steam clean the hallway and Michael's office before they come (then all the carpet in the house would be done). I have bunches of stuff to go to Goodwill but I need to get it all together (one spot) and then typed up for taxes.

I started making our holiday card list today, got out the cards and labels so that I can try to get those out early this year. Maybe I will even get a letter done this year.

Birthday Blues

I am a big person on birthdays. It is day to celebrate. And I try to celebrate my friends and family as I am truly happy that they are in the world! And even my own birthday I try to honor too but this year is REALLY hard. I will be turning 40 on the 18th and not looking forward to it at all. Only good thing is I do get to see my parents as they are flying in to spend it with me.

But over all I am feeling a little blue about my 40th birthday. I did this on my 30th birthday too - got all depressed and sad. I know 40 shouldn't be a big deal. And I know plenty of people have told me their 40's were the best time of their life. I get that. I think I am just going through some depression in general and just not happy with myself.

So that is where I am at...right now. In crying, moody, depressed mood. I should be asking for some cheese with my whine.

Just...

This week is going to be busy and hard.

A good friend of Michael's lost her father and so Michael is working on the memorial video right now. Those are hard for to do but I know how much the families appreciate what he can do to capture the memories.

I am getting packages of cookies ready to send to friends for Valentine's Day. I made Valentine Bark, Cardamom Butter cookies with dark chocolate and espresso glaze, triple chocolate bite size brownies and shortbread cookies. (Pictures and recipes over on my cooking blog.)

I think I have some depression going on right now too. So feeling just out of sorts. Keep working to move forward.

Christmas Randomness

Sound of Music is on....it is a favorite musical of mine. I love the music and sing along to it.

There is a song that plays this time of year that always always makes me cry. It is The Christmas Shoes by Newsong (link to lyrics). I hadn't heard it this year until just the other night while wrapping gifts. And of course I had to reach for kleenex. (Mom if you haven't heard this song you need to hear it....you will need kleenex too.)

Silly Christmas link....Mt. Dew Christmas Tree

Yes! A wonderful Christmas gift

Been cleaning house most of the day as I have neglected it with the holiday preparations.

I was just thinking yesterday while unloading the dishwasher that I have had lots of depression this year but I can honestly say this Christmas I haven't felt it. The holidays can get me blue and this year doesn't seem to have hit me that hard.

Michael just called me into this office. He has video tape his Dad took of when Michael when got Chessie for Christmas. She is just a little kitten and she is so her. All the things that make her darned adorable now were there in the video of her from her baby days.

Well going to go find my slippers because my feet are cold. And then maybe fold clothes...I know the excitement is too much!

But tomorrow will be good - we are going to brunch to one of our favorite places, then deliver presents. Tomorrow night will be a nice dinner followed by going out to look at Christmas lights.

A litte of this and that...

When we travel or have guests here, I always crash after. It is like there is a lot of energy going going and going and then nothing. And so I crash. I get sad and teary. And that is what is happening to me now. On top of that...I am suffering from migraines - day 2 of them.

I got lots of mail love while out of town cards and packages! Thank you! I am a very blessed to have such good friends!

Michael requested chili and homemade bread....so...that is what I made yesterday...

Chili with some sour cream and cheddar cheese on it...















2 round loaves of bread

















Bread smothered in butter....well margarine...

Just this and that....

* This past week I finished up something important for/to me. And it felt really good.
* I have been going through depression right now....so I have been quiet. I don't write as much when I am this way.
* I have really good friends that support me. I have been really stressing this weekend about putting myself out there with my art. And my friends always come through and support me in these really self-conscious moments by encouraging and accepting me.
* I need to clean house this week and start my next work project. I did a really good clean of the house except the Master bedroom but last week after that I seemed to have dropped the ball a bit but I know that is because I was working on the thing that was important to me.
* I hope to do some art this week.
* I want to finish an art doll I started a long while ago
* I have a stack of photos on my desk and frames for them....I really should do that sometime soon. I am sure it is bad Feng Shui to have empty frames sitting around. I also have a Buddha wooden mask carving that I should hang up.
* Michael is doing much better. He is getting around better (still on crutches though). Able to support himself longer when standing.
* I think I am going to make breakfast burritos tomorrow - for breakfast....I have been craving them.
* I need to take the garbage out tonight before I go to bed...I know the excitement of my life is earth shaking.

And just so that this won't be a completely boring entry...one of our adorable kitty cats....