Rough Week

It has been a rough week. A week ago one of our cats was not acting his usual self and we had an emergency visit to the  vet. They can't figure out what was wrong with him and he does seem to be better. But still scary.

I contacted an old friend I hadn't talked to in a long while and found out she had surgery to remove cancer cells. So I have been worried about her. 

I have had the stomach flu. I am not sure I have ever been this sick before as an adult. Nothing is staying down. I went to the doctor and they ran some tests and everything is pointing to a virus. He explained to me that the stomach flu will last 24 hours, 3 days, 7 days or 10 days. I am coming up on 7 days. 

Then today I found out a friend from Ohio died. I am sitting here typing this and still in shock. My friend was suffering and fighting a very hard battle with cancer. But she died from an unrelated issue. I can't believe this vibrant, beautiful soul isn't here with us. I sent her a card just a few weeks ago...it had a red party dress on the front and inside I wrote that she would be dolled up, high heels on and dancing again soon. I hope she is now. 

Just feeling incredibly sad and grateful at the same time for knowing her and being able to share so many good memories with her in them. 

52 Week Photo Project: Week 18

My life has been full of ups and downs. I have tumbled so many times. I made the wrong move and tried to find my way back, but never got there. The mountains in my path made it seem too hard.  I finally had to accept myself as I was and move forward from where I was at that time.  It was hard. I almost gave up again.  Unfortunately the things I needed then - I didn't have. I didn't understand them in myself and I didn't understand what I even needed or who I was really.  My climb felt impossible and I felt like I was doing it alone even though looking back - I don't believe I was as we all make the climb together. We all struggle. We all stumble. We all are trying to find the way.

I have been working on the piece for a while now. It is triangles cut out of paper to represent mountains. The little graphic connected triangles are clouds about to fall on the mountains making the climb worse. There is all quote a love by Ram Dass, “We're all just walking each other home.”  Patience and trust are needed to make that walk. 

Dreamy Idealist

I took a Personality Test...here are the results...

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal.

Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

Much of it sounds like me.

Coffee Kind of Day

Some days just call for a Starbucks coffee. Today was one of those days.

52 Week Photo Project: Week 14

Taken just a week after surgery and I am outside taking selfies. :)

52 Week Photo Project: Week 13

Feeling Good

Everyone kept telling me I had a good surgeon and I am saying thank goodness for him. Not even home 48 hours and hardly any pain today. Really amazed and grateful.

Drinking OJ

I have a cold and I am hoping it goes away quickly as if it doesn't - I won't be able to have surgery this week. I just want this over so thinking healing thoughts.

Morning Ritual

I receive Jennifer Louden's newsletter and she talked about Morning Ritual's asking other people what their personal morning ritual is like....and so it made me think about mine.

It is something that I would like to do, but I really don't have one. I would like one grounded in intention instead of just waking up.

Most mornings: I wake up when I wake up. I am lucky that I don't have a job that clocks in so I can just sleep until I wake up.  I then usually sit and just wake up. Usually by going through Instagram because looking at the photos in the morning - help me wake up without the assaults of social media chatter. I then do a quick a check of emails and then get up and make breakfast for myself and sometimes Michael. After breakfast, I unload and load dishwasher.  I plan what I am making for dinner and start household chores.

Slow morning: I wake up when I wake up, make breakfast, some tea,and then read.

I would like the slow morning to be more of a normal everyday ritual. 

52 Week Photo Project: Week 10

"We all have a beautiful light within...We just sometimes forget it is there". - John Holland

Using the Diana Photo App. It blends 2 photos together.

Tears

“Tears are words that need to be written.” ~ Paulo Coelho

I have been in pain. I have a new health problem.  Different then my usual back/leg problems. Because of the pain, I haven't been able to do anything. I have been on almost complete bed rest.  Everything is too much. So basically  I am crying and trying to just surrender and let go of what I would like to what is.  What this is...is a time where I need to have help.  Over the last several years - my pain has increased. I thought I had gotten to a place of acceptance of and learning new ways of doing things and letting go of expectations.  But now I have been needing to do it again in a deeper way.  I am thankful for the help from Michael and Wendy - I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life who know what to do to help me through tough situations. Right now is extremely difficult and I hope to handle it with more grace than I have as I wait for what will come - most likely surgery. Right now I cry because my words aren't coming to me as the pain clouds everything.

Photo from a tarot reading I did on my health.

52 Week Photo Project: Week 9

At one time I walked the line, then I stood on the line trying to figure out who I was, eventually I tested waters outside the line, and today there is no line - I am just being me.

52 Week Photo Project: Week 8

52 Week Photo Project: Week 7

I am someone who lives with pain. Standing like I am in this photo took a lot for me actually do, but it was important to me as I knew the majority of my photos for the Be Your Own Beloved class is face selfies.

52 Week Photo Project: Week 6

Standing in snow. We had a lot of snow and one photo that I decided I wanted to do is standing barefoot in the snow. Braved it just for a few seconds to take this photo.

The Truth About Aging

“Aging is not ‘lost youth,’ but a new stage of opportunity and strength. It’s a different stage of life, and if you are going to pretend it’s youth, you are going to miss it. You are going to miss the surprises, the possibilities, and the evolution that we are just beginning to know about because there are no role models, no guideposts, and no signs.”~ Betty Friedan

Susannah Conway posted that quote above and asked a group of women to write about getting older on her blog. As it is something that I struggle with and accept at the same time.  

The posts are beautiful, touching, thought provoking, connecting, honest, vulnerable, soul-baring, simple, accepting, sensual, courageous and a complex mixture of amazing stories.

52 Week Photo Project: Week 5

My first photo for Be Your Own Beloved. It is the first step in seeing myself with more compassion. Here I am standing in snow. It is ice cold and that is how it feels - it feels like when I look into the mirror my feelings for myself are cold and insensitive. It is also me wearing black and standing in the white snow - representing again my thoughts on myself very black and white. Sometimes very good thoughts, but mostly dark thoughts.

Be Your Own Beloved

When I got my iPhone last year, I started following Vivienne McMaster on instagram.  She is the creator and teacher of the e-course Be Your Own Beloved. From the first moments of seeing her photos and hearing about her class - I knew I wanted to take it at some point. I have learned so much as just by following her and reading her blog - I have learned to start seeing myself differently.  I knew I had much more to learn. So when the chance came up that I could take her class - I jumped on it.  Starting February 1st I will be taking Be Your Own Beloved. I am looking forward to it and can't wait to learn and grow. I need to talk to myself with kindness and see myself with compassion.



Be Your Own Beloved from Vivienne McMaster on Vimeo.

Be Me

I am a big Liz Lamoreux fan. I have her book Inner Excavation and feel it helped me get unstuck in creating again.  I get her newseltter and often it says just what I am needing to hear in that moment. Her newsletter of January 22nd was one of those. 

Quote from it...."We all need a space where we can just be us. A space where we aren't in charge. Where we feel safe enough to unearth this true essence inside us. A space to be the quiet one or the one who gives the biggest hugs or the one who invites others to dance or the one who simply nods and listens murmuring "yes." A space where we can connect with other like-minded souls." ~ Liz Lamoreux

That space often is just with me inside me - quite, taking deep breathes and doing what feels right in the moment. But also it is with a group of friends. Twenty thirteen brought me a circle of friends that I haven't had since moving to Grand Junction.  It is the first time I have felt like I have a space to be me.  It is a space to be me in art, be me in laughter, be me in silliness, be me in deep discussions, be me in connection and vulnerability.  I am truly thankful for the great group of friends that came together in 2013 and grow closer in 2014.

Photo from Amy Brown Fairy Cards - a tarot reading done on the 19th.

Hibernate

My friend Kathie gifted me an e-course: Hibernate.  First Thank You Kathie for being so kind and giving.  It is just what I needed right now. The Hibernate e-course is about taking rest in the winter to nourish, gather, renew, create and rest.  I am looking forward to taking it.

It is odd that it has taken me so long to be okay being me. Really it started when I was 40.  I am now 46 and still not quite where I am comfortable being me completely.  I want to take this time in this class to do all the things it suggest - nourish, gather, renew, create and rest so that I can create a clear vision of what work I need to do next.

Someday's it is easy to fall back into old habits and old ways of thinking.  But I know I feel better about myself and life when I keep walking the path I started on at 40 and hope to see more solid and clear in the years to come. I am hoping my 50's seem more completely in myself.